I have been ‘working’ at PCM, feeling pretty good. It’s been a little more than a week and a half since I started the new meds, and honestly it is like night and day. I started to get frustrated that I didn’t start sooner, but I really feel like I needed to struggle through that for a minute and come to my own decision.
I have been able to focus much better. My brain doesn’t feel like it is going off in 800 different directions. I’m feeling a little better about the job search. It’s time that I put on my happy face and get busy before we starts to get stressed about money. Everything will be ok. I have a phone interview on Thursday. I’m not sure if project manager positions are what I want for my future, but I am in no position to transition to anything crazy different at this point.
The company I’m interviewing with actually looks like they have their act together. I catch myself thinking things like “I won’t fit in there” because I saw a photo of a group of girls dressed cutely. This has been such a THING for me lately. I feel like such a dorky mom with no fashion sense. I’ve never had to worry about how I’ve dressed, and now all of a sudden I’m worried about it. I’ve always been most comfortable in jeans and a tee shirt covered in paint or clay. When I am in my depressed/anxious brain, it feels like the mom’s won’t like me because I ‘don’t know what I’m doing’, and the non-mom’s won’t like me because I’m a mom. Sometimes it feels like people assume that once you have a kid that is the only thing you are interested in. I wanna be invited to Happy Hour tooooooo!!
I feel kind of guilty that I should be applying to more jobs. Well, now that my resume is in a little better place I am more confident applying to things. I need to sit down and just hammer some shit out. But it seems like by the time I get ready to do that my battery is about to die, or my parking expire, or I smell a cookie or something else. It’s been fun ‘working’ here, even though I probably don’t get as much done. But I’m realizing I’m spending so much damn money parking, and time driving over here, and money on macarons and farm cubanos that I’m going to get in trouble with the husband soon. The vibes are so good though! I really like people watching, so much good food, good smells, old history here. Old spirits here that call to me. I love closing my eyes and thinking about all of the people that have walked through those halls. What were they wearing, eating, and thinking? Were they stressed about finding jobs 100 years ago? What has changed since then? What has stayed the same? These are the questions my mind would rather consider than thinking about jobs 🙂
I had a very vivid random dream last night I was talking to my 11 year old son. He was kind of sad, playing in the dirt with his shirt off. His hair was kind of long. He said that ‘after me and dad figured out his shit’ or something to that effect. I remember kissing his head lovingly and then telling him I couldn’t solve his problems. I could listen to him and help him explore options, but it was up to him to find answers in life.
It was one of those weird twilight dreams where you aren’t totally asleep. I woke up feeling so at peace. I have a feeling if I have a son he will be super sensitive. Haha I hope so 🙂
Ugh, looking around here, it feels like everyone is on their phone. Everywhere I look people are so close together, but SO disconnected, so close in proximity, but just sucked into their personal screen. I’m desperately looking around, trying to make eye contact, some type of personal connection, and everywhere I look everyone’s face is blue. There is so much to see, observe, smell, people to meet! Every now and then I catch someone’s eye and we smile. It feels too rare. The past couple times I’ve been there I’ve spoken briefly to one of the women that cleans up around the food areas. She seems as excited as I am to connect with another human. I hope 20 years from now (soooooner, please!!) more people realize what a waste and distraction most of that is. I think we will discover how damaging it is….. but that is a rant for a different post!
I really, really, miss the days when the biggest distraction was a pager. My dad checked his pager a lot – but compared to NOW? Ugh. It makes me super sad to see all the people having ‘family’ meals together and everyone just staring at a screen. SOOO much more to write on that topic! I will stop. By now I’ve dwindled my parking time to less than enough time to accomplish anything productive, so might as well go buy a donut and sit in the sun 🙂