It was a beautiful morning. I’ve been feeling pretty good-ish lately. Eating/diet has been an issue, but I’m trying to make up for it with massive amounts of Arden’s Garden’s PH juice and Golda ‘booch. Marcus has been taking Mila for walks in the morning before breakfast, and it gives me a chance to move around a bit before diving into our day.
I SHOWERED, put on real clothes and something on my face, before 8:30. Miracle. I was really feeling good! Took the dog out and immediately spilled coffee all over me per the usual. I don’t think I have ever gotten through an entire cup of coffee without spilling some. Ask my previous coworkers, it was an office joke. I need a sippy cup more than my child!
Met up with M+M, and me and Mila set off to snag a croissant sandwich from the coffee shop across the street. There are few things I love more than a cheesy egg croissant. They make me incredibly happy. We hung out in the park, eating and finding bugs – 3 roly poly’s , 2 wormy things I couldn’t identify, and three different sets of wings – 2 cicada’s and a pair of monarch butterfly. We spent about 5 minutes talking to a squirrel in a tree before finding a patch of about 50 teeny mushrooms that Mila flipped out over. She is obsessed with mushrooms, lol.
We talked to a few people too, which was much needed. I am so starved for human interaction and connection these days. For the past few years, I’ve felt like I’ve had a dark storm cloud over my head. It forced me to withdraw from the world, which now I know I needed in order to heal and determine the types of relationships I wanted to manifest in my life. Since that period has passed, I am so so so eager to get in the world and connect…. but for obvious reasons, that is a bit difficult at the moment, so I’m grateful for any interaction, even if it is someone asking Mila what kind of bug she is holding.
I’m glad we live in the middle of a city during a time like this. I started thinking of all the people I knew that have moved out of ATL when they started having kids…. “We just want a yard!”. I get it. But wooooow who needs a yard when you have unlimited adventure, a million parks, community gardens, new people to meet on every corner, and beautiful architecture nestled in a beautiful forest. We are DEFINITELY not lacking in nature or anything that the ‘burbs have, IMO!
So ran around and did a few errands, having some great convos with my baby – and get back to the house around ::::duh duh duh::::: nap time. Child has been skipping her naps for a week now, and it is certainly wearing me down. She usually sleeps for about 2 hours in the middle of the day, giving me time to exercise, nap, do laundry, read, or just chill. This ‘me’ time is really essential to feel well through the rest of the day and make it through dinner and bedtime. So, like other stages of her development, I’ve started to get a little anxious when it comes time to (attempt to) put her down.
In addition to skipping naps, she’s been super obnoxious when I try to change her diaper. I really do have great patience, I taught preschool for awhile among other jobs requiring high energy – so I’m usually fine. But, sometimes it wears on me. Like today. Child would NOT let me change her, and started throwing her dolls at me. I took about a million breaths and counted to ten more than a few times before I lost it, and raised my voice at her.
MILA. Mama is VERY frustrated. PLEASE let me change your diaper!!!
I didn’t scream, but I definitely said it louder and in a tone she wasn’t used to.
She immediately crumpled to the floor and started sobbing, and I followed right behind her.
I have so many techniques to manage emotional overwhelm, but sometimes it catches up to me. I couldn’t imagine if I would have had a child years ago before I worked on these skills. Luckily teaching kids right out of college showed me that I had some work to do before I was ready to take on the epic challenge of parenting.
For the most part, I’m pretty confident about my parenting these days, which is a HUUUUUGE change from 2 years ago, when I was in the throes of PPD and felt completely alone and like I had no clue what to do as a mom.
I have confidence in my awareness and parenting skills, in a large part due to analyzing my own childhood, and realizing I HAD to do things much differently. Starting with being ok with feelings!!!
We laid there on the floor for a few minutes, crying and hugging each other, me apologizing and telling her that I loved her so much, and rubbing her fuzzy little tangly waves (just like me lol), and before long she was laughing again. I decided to bail on the nap idea, NOT WORTH IT, and as soon as we got downstairs she laid down on the floor and asked me to change her, naturally.
Marcus must have sensed we needed him, because at that moment he came up from working and offered to read to her in her room while I decompressed. SO GRATEFUL!!
I don’t get hysterically upset around her, but I do cry from time to time. I tell her that mama is sad, and it is okay to be sad. It’s good to talk about things when we are sad and especially our family, because they are the ones that are there to cheer us up. I tell her when we hold feelings in, they can make us sick and cause us to be mean to people without realizing it. I know she is too little to really understand, but I feel like it’s the right thing to model. It’s what I needed as a young sensitive soul in this wild confusing world, more than anything.
SO I am incredibly humbled and grateful to have the opportunity to provide a space for my own daughter to have that. It is helping me heal, so so much, every single day <3
Thank you as always for listening, I’m glad you are here. If you feel sad today, or angry, or disappointed, that is ok. That is human. That is healthy. Feel all the feels and watch them float away. You are full of light. Life is too short for anything else <3